The Honey-Do List Driver
THE PROBLEM
One of the issues I experienced recently with a couple I worked with — let’s call them Andrew & Sherry — was that Andrew was driving Sherry into the ground with his to-do list. It was a mile long and he did not take no, or I’m tired, for an answer.
He assumed that Sherry was on board with his plans all the time.
As a result, Sherry became very drained and very disempowered, and gave up even trying.
WHY IS THIS A PROBLEM?
To-do/honey-do lists are a normal part of a relationship.
They can provide a sense of control, agency, and comfort/safety. Making requests of our partner is a wonderful thing… unless one partner issues orders like a military commander.
Inevitably, the receiving partner feels like they don’t have any say in what goes on, how the day unfolds, or how they spend their time.
It may look like it gets shit done, but it's actually highly counterproductive for the WE of the couple.
So let’s figure out how to solve this problem, shall we?
[DON’T] TRY THIS AT HOME!
Happy Couples bases its very own existence on the premise that approaching challenges playfully can not only cut through relationship struggles like nothing else, but also create the blueprint for much more fun and connection.
As your own relationship challenges are very specific, we invite you to use the option(s) below as a starting point from which to create your own plan.
We call this [don’t] try this at home because, although often very useful, these approaches can sometimes backfire. If they do, or if you believe you need more guidance to try this, we invite you to book a coaching session with us.
Honoring structure and spontaneity
As an exercise, consider what it could look like if Sherry prepared, ahead of time, the following to-do lists for her and Andrew’s weekend.
Notice how important things like running errands and fixing problems around the house still get done, but Sunday is mostly spent prioritizing couple time together.
Day off!
Some problems are not often discussed in conversations because they are difficult to bring up in a tactful or sensitive way.
When there is an elephant in the room, calling for a time-out might be a playful solution that awakens Andrew.
As an example, we invite Sherry to use as few words as possible in calling this time-out, AND to prepare her message ahead of time on a flash card (a favorite of Happy Couples).
Role reversal
We know from the scenario above that Sherri dislikes Andrew’s domination of the to-do list creation.
Therefore, what if they explored, for a weekend, the idea of Sherri creating the couple’s action-plan instead?
For bonus points, Sherri might dress like Andrew and Andrew may choose to dress like Sherry.
(Pardon the gender role cliché. But 1950s couple representations make it much easier to draw).
If you’re interested in learning more about how to overcome this problem in your relationship and actually build more fun and play in the process, reach out to me about my couple’s coaching offerings: https://www.happycouplesplaytogether.com/home/coaching